I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
