life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Randomize
