I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
