I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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