Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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