Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
