Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
