his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
