I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
