wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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