he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
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