im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
