when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
