So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Randomize
