i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
