I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Randomize
