OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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