Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
