Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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