I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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