"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
