am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
