unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
