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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
