I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
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