ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
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