One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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