I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
