Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
