I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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