no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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