You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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