Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
