you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
