I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
