May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
