I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
