my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Randomize
