so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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