Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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