I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Randomize
