My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
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