she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
