its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
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