We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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