I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
