I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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