4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
