They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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