Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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